Our romantic partners, those who we’re in a personal, intimate relationship with, often contribute significantly to the ultramarathon events we participate in. However, there’s an argument to be made that they don’t always make the best pacers. I’ve watched this play out in a variety of scenarios as a coach, a crew member and in my own racing. Of course, this is not always the case 100% of the time, but below are some reasons why choosing someone outside of your committed relationship might work better as a pacer for your next race.
One of the most significant reasons a partner might not be the best person to keep us moving up the trail is that they know you too well. How can this be an impediment? In short, there is too much understanding and compassion. This is great for a relationship almost all the time, but it’s not necessarily what we need when we’re tired, our body hurts, our stomach is revolting and we need someone to help us find our inner strength. Usually, partners don’t want us to suffer; they would rather relieve our discomfort. But as we know all too well, ultramarathons are rife with some degree of pain, and we must keep pushing through the pain to reach the end. Having a partner focused on relieving suffering isn’t what’s best for us acutely, because ultimately the answer to experiencing less discomfort is getting to the finish line. We need someone to be firm, make sure we keep doing the basics like fueling, moving strong and addressing our needs, and high levels of compassion can often interfere with ensuring those needs are met.
It’s also impossible to separate life from the race. Ultramarathons often bring out both the best and worst in us, and that can put the relationship in a pressure cooker. When things become hard, it’s easy to place blame on the other person for past failings or have previous moments of distrust resurface. It takes a lot of self-awareness for both parties to be able to separate their life together from the singular goal of finishing the race. It’s not impossible, but it’s a stressor that is typically absent in other relationships with friends, siblings/family or even an acquaintance who is very knowledgeable in all things trail and ultrarunning.
When we’re vulnerable, it’s easy to let our guard down and think our partner can carry more of the load than is possible. Our brains crave safety when our bodies are under duress, and often our partners are considered a safe space in which we can rest. It’s possible to find ourselves being more vulnerable with our partner than we would with a non-romantic partner out on the trail, and this often doesn’t contribute to staying focused on the finish line. A desire for our partners to “fix” whatever problem(s) we are facing can emerge, and a frustration can build that they are not able to remedy the issue. We also, unfortunately, tend to be dismissive of our partners’ suggestions, both in the context of trail racing and at large. Even the best advice may go unheard, and this can obviously be detrimental to an optimal outcome. Comments like, “Try jogging a little, I know how strong you are and I think you can move faster,” could be met with frustration. So, we put up resistance and are less likely to try running late in a race compared to a trusted friend who might encourage us using similar language. While trusting a partner and being vulnerable is typically good for relationships, it’s not always best when we need to step up and do the hard things hour after challenging hour.
I’ve watched partners become incredible crew personnel, amazing day-to-day providers in training, and occasionally, I’ve seen and experienced them as excellent pacers. But, often, our partners just aren’t who and what we need them to be in this setting. It’s not a shortcoming on anyone’s part; it’s simply a reflection of the relationship, which will always have inherent strengths and weaknesses. Appreciate what your partner offers and thoroughly consider what you’ll need on the trail before asking them to be on your pacing ledger.