Humor

I’d like to thank the unsung heroes of the trails I run on every day – those thoughtful folks who leave bags of dog poop on the trails. As an avid trail runner, I think it’s important to point out what each of your contributions has done to help improve my running game.

It is difficult to explain to a non-runner what it’s like to run an ultramarathon. How can you possibly put into words the excitement, the highs, the lows, the torture and the triumph of such an audacious pursuit? Here’s my attempt to explain the stages of running an ultramarathon by using something everyone can understand: cartoon characters.

I began mentally rewriting song lyrics as a way to pass the miles, entertain myself, and poke a little fun at the absurdities and idiosyncrasies I see within the subculture of this sport I love.

An annoying man decided to use the treadmill directly to my right, despite there being several available options farther away. He immediately set his pace 1 mph faster than mine. The audacity of this individual was simply frustrating! So I did what any man in my position would do. I increased my speed by 2 mph.

Why am I out there six days a week, usually before 4 a.m., making myself uncomfortable? Why do I and millions of other people willingly subject ourselves to it?

You’re not supposed to look good after you run a hundred miles. Didn’t matter. It was still the worst race finish photo I had ever taken, yet it was the most important one. It was the singular moment when all the training, the doubts, the worries, the planning, was about to give way to relief, triumph and pure joy.

Among the many alternative cross training and recovery methods out there, I’ve found the one true, revitalizing cure-all: the steam room.

A humorous look at apps that are not really available to ultrarunners – but that should be.